Quote

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Writing
Asleep
Girlfriend
Humor
Funny
Words
White
Write
Misspelled
Doe
Nails

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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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