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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Girlfriend
Humor
Funny
Words
White
Write
Misspelled
Doe
Nails
Writing
Asleep

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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Steven Wright