Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Girlfriend
Humor
Funny
Words
White
Write
Misspelled
Doe
Nails
Writing
Asleep
More quotes by Steven Wright
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Steven Wright
I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright
Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Steven Wright
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
Steven Wright
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Steven Wright
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Steven Wright
