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A fool and his money are soon partying.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Foolish
Helicopters
Soon
Adages
Fool
Aircraft
Humor
Cliche
Party
Foolishness
Funny
Taxation
Money
Aviation
Airborne
Italian
Partying
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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