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A fool and his money are soon partying.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Money
Aviation
Airborne
Italian
Partying
Foolish
Helicopters
Soon
Adages
Fool
Aircraft
Humor
Cliche
Party
Foolishness
Funny
Taxation

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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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