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A fool and his money are soon partying.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Italian
Partying
Foolish
Helicopters
Soon
Adages
Fool
Aircraft
Humor
Cliche
Party
Foolishness
Funny
Taxation
Money
Aviation
Airborne

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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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