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A fool and his money are soon partying.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Italian
Partying
Foolish
Helicopters
Soon
Adages
Fool
Aircraft
Humor
Cliche
Party
Foolishness
Funny
Taxation
Money
Aviation
Airborne
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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