Quote

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.

Steven Wright

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Giving
Gun
Pricing
Across
Vaults
Tried
Hall
Humor
Halls
Funny
Store
Money
Lady
Give
Department
Vault
Everything
Stores
Marking

More quotes by Steven Wright

Image
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
Image
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Steven Wright
Image
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
Image
The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven Wright
Image
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
Image
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Steven Wright
Image
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Steven Wright
Image
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
Steven Wright
Image
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
Image
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright
Image
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Steven Wright
Image
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
Image
I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
Steven Wright
Image
Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
Image
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
Image
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright
Image
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
Image
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
Image
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Steven Wright
Image
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Steven Wright