Quote

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Give
Department
Vault
Everything
Stores
Marking
Giving
Gun
Pricing
Across
Vaults
Tried
Hall
Humor
Halls
Funny
Store
Money
Lady

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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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