Quote

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Across
Vaults
Tried
Hall
Humor
Halls
Funny
Store
Money
Lady
Give
Department
Vault
Everything
Stores
Marking
Giving
Gun
Pricing

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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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