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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Fees
Money
Funds
Banks
Charge
Fund
Sufficient
Humor
Already
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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