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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Money
Funds
Banks
Charge
Fund
Sufficient
Humor
Already
Funny
Fees
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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What do batteries run on?
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