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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Knew
Dies
Going
Expiration
Certificate
Certificates
Date
Birth
Told
More quotes by Steven Wright
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
Steven Wright
Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Steven Wright
What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
