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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Certificates
Date
Birth
Told
Knew
Dies
Going
Expiration
Certificate
More quotes by Steven Wright
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright