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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Birth
Told
Knew
Dies
Expiration
Going
Certificate
Certificates
Date
More quotes by Steven Wright
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
