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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Going
Expiration
Certificate
Certificates
Date
Birth
Told
Knew
Dies
More quotes by Steven Wright
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Steven Wright
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
Steven Wright
Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
Steven Wright
I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
Steven Wright
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
I took a baby shower.
Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Steven Wright
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Steven Wright
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
Steven Wright
