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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Department
Humor
Call
Funny
Art
Outdoors
Everything
Interior
Interiors
Charge
More quotes by Steven Wright
I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
Steven Wright
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
Steven Wright
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Steven Wright
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
Steven Wright
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
Steven Wright
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Steven Wright
For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Steven Wright
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Steven Wright
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright