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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Department
Humor
Call
Funny
Art
Outdoors
Everything
Interior
Interiors
Charge
More quotes by Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
Steven Wright
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Steven Wright
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Steven Wright
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Steven Wright
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven Wright
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Steven Wright
