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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Call
Funny
Art
Outdoors
Everything
Interior
Interiors
Charge
Department
More quotes by Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
Steven Wright
I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
Steven Wright
Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
Steven Wright
