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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Retrievers
Paranoid
Threw
Brings
Dog
Sure
Back
Everything
Retriever
More quotes by Steven Wright
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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