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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Brings
Dog
Sure
Back
Everything
Retriever
Retrievers
Paranoid
Threw
More quotes by Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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