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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Start
Note
Funny
Suicide
Writing
Notes
Paper
Cutting
Humor
Comedy

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright