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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Notes
Paper
Cutting
Humor
Comedy
Start
Note
Funny
Writing
Suicide
More quotes by Steven Wright
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Steven Wright
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
Steven Wright
Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Steven Wright
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Steven Wright
I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
Steven Wright
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Steven Wright
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Steven Wright
George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
