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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Writing
Suicide
Notes
Paper
Cutting
Humor
Comedy
Start
Funny
Note

More quotes by Steven Wright

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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright