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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Comedy
Start
Funny
Note
Writing
Suicide
Notes
Paper
Cutting
Humor
More quotes by Steven Wright
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Steven Wright
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Steven Wright
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Steven Wright
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Steven Wright
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Steven Wright
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Steven Wright
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright
Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
Steven Wright
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright
I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
Steven Wright
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Steven Wright
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
Steven Wright
