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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Cutting
Humor
Comedy
Start
Funny
Note
Writing
Suicide
Notes
Paper
More quotes by Steven Wright
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
Steven Wright
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Steven Wright
