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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Cutting
Humor
Comedy
Start
Funny
Note
Writing
Suicide
Notes
Paper

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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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