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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Paper
Cutting
Humor
Comedy
Start
Funny
Note
Writing
Suicide
Notes

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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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