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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Time
Distance
Walking
Within
Everything
Long

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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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