Quote

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Course
Speed
Waiting
Ten
Hours
Hour
Funny
Wait
Took
Humor
Minutes
Courses

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
Steven Wright
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Steven Wright
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
Steven Wright
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Steven Wright
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
Steven Wright