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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Beach
Baby
Funny
Stills
Still
Need
Pisses
Needs
Babies
Vacation
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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What do batteries run on?
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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