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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Needs
Babies
Vacation
Beach
Baby
Funny
Stills
Still
Need
Pisses
More quotes by Steven Wright
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Steven Wright
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright
