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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Still
Need
Pisses
Needs
Babies
Vacation
Beach
Baby
Funny
Stills
More quotes by Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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What do batteries run on?
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
