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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Need
Pisses
Needs
Babies
Vacation
Beach
Baby
Funny
Stills
Still

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
Steven Wright
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I washed mud off of mud.
Steven Wright
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
Steven Wright
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Steven Wright
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Steven Wright
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Steven Wright
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
Steven Wright