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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Stills
Still
Need
Pisses
Needs
Babies
Vacation
Beach
Baby
More quotes by Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Steven Wright
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Steven Wright
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Steven Wright
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Steven Wright
Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
Steven Wright
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
Steven Wright
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
Steven Wright
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Steven Wright
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Steven Wright
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
Steven Wright
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright