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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Stills
Still
Need
Pisses
Needs
Babies
Vacation
Beach
Baby
Funny
More quotes by Steven Wright
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Steven Wright
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Steven Wright
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright
I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
Steven Wright
When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright
Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
Steven Wright
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
