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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Beach
Baby
Funny
Stills
Still
Need
Pisses
Needs
Babies
Vacation
More quotes by Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Steven Wright
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
Steven Wright
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Steven Wright
I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
Steven Wright
