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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Shape
Restaurant
Thinking
Lasts
Cooking
Culinary
Like
Last
Shapes
Board
Bigs
Boards
Moving
Kindness
Floor
Night
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Ouija
Kind
Move
Table
Buffet
Would
Food
Tables
Buffets
Think
Went
More quotes by Steven Wright
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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