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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Night
Across
Floor
Kind
Move
Restaurants
Ouija
Would
Food
Table
Buffet
Think
Went
Tables
Buffets
Thinking
Lasts
Shape
Restaurant
Like
Last
Cooking
Culinary
Bigs
Shapes
Board
Moving
Kindness
Boards
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What a nice night for an evening.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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What do batteries run on?
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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