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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Would
Food
Table
Buffet
Think
Went
Tables
Buffets
Thinking
Lasts
Shape
Restaurant
Like
Last
Cooking
Culinary
Bigs
Shapes
Board
Moving
Kindness
Boards
Night
Across
Floor
Kind
Move
Restaurants
Ouija
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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