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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Friend
Acupuncture
Humor
Voodoo
Justice
Street
Funny
Mines
Better
Mine
Much
Friendship
Walking
Streets

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
Steven Wright
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
Steven Wright
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright
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The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright
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I took a baby shower.
Steven Wright
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
Steven Wright
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright