Quote

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Says
Year
Walkie
Funny
Talkie
Next
Talkies
Give
Aunt
Giving
Birthday
Years
Gave
Good
Humor

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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