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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
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Aunt
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More quotes by Steven Wright
I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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