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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
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Talkies
Give
Aunt
Giving
Birthday
Years
Gave
Good
Humor
Says
Year
Walkie
Funny
Talkie
More quotes by Steven Wright
What do batteries run on?
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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