Quote

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Give
Aunt
Giving
Birthday
Years
Gave
Good
Humor
Says
Year
Walkie
Funny
Talkie
Next
Talkies

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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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