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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Years
Gave
Good
Humor
Says
Year
Walkie
Funny
Talkie
Next
Talkies
Give
Aunt
Giving
Birthday
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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