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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Math
Mathematics
Result
Results
Universe
Dividing
Black
Zero
Holes
Mathematical

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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I took a baby shower.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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