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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Results
Universe
Dividing
Black
Zero
Holes
Mathematical
Math
Mathematics
Result

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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I took a baby shower.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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