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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Results
Universe
Dividing
Black
Zero
Holes
Mathematical
Math
Mathematics
Result

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
Steven Wright
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
Steven Wright
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
Steven Wright
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven Wright
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Steven Wright
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Steven Wright