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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Numbered
Pages
Success
Book
Writing

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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright