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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Placebo
Addicted
Quit
Quitting
Wouldn
Matter

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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright