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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Placebo
Addicted
Quit
Quitting
Wouldn
Matter

More quotes by Steven Wright

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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
Steven Wright
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Steven Wright
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Steven Wright
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright