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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Placebo
Addicted
Quit
Quitting
Wouldn
Matter

More quotes by Steven Wright

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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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