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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Matter
Placebo
Addicted
Quit
Quitting
Wouldn

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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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