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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Matter
Placebo
Addicted
Quit
Quitting
Wouldn

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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
Steven Wright