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Day One: Still tired from the move.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Tired
Move
Moving
Stills
Still

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
Steven Wright
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
Steven Wright
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
Steven Wright
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
Steven Wright
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Steven Wright
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
Steven Wright
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven Wright
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
Steven Wright