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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Vests
Snakes
Wear
Arms
More quotes by Steven Wright
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
Steven Wright
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Steven Wright
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Steven Wright
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
Steven Wright
Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
Steven Wright
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Steven Wright
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
Steven Wright
I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
Steven Wright
I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
Steven Wright