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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Vests
Snakes
Wear
Arms

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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What do batteries run on?
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright