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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Vests
Snakes
Wear
Arms

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Steven Wright
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Steven Wright
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
Steven Wright
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
Steven Wright
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
Steven Wright
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
Steven Wright
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright