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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Snakes
Wear
Arms
Vests

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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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What do batteries run on?
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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