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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Wear
Arms
Vests
Snakes

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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