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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Arms
Vests
Snakes
Wear

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright