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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Snakes
Wear
Arms
Vests

More quotes by Steven Wright

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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
Steven Wright