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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Parts
Conscience
Hurt
Feel
Feels
Good
Sarcastic
Hurts
More quotes by Steven Wright
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
Steven Wright
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Steven Wright
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
Steven Wright
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
