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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Parts
Conscience
Hurt
Feel
Feels
Good
Sarcastic
Hurts
More quotes by Steven Wright
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Steven Wright
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
