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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Anyone
Right
Lane
Mind
Lanes
Would
Park
Parks
Passings
Passing
Honor
More quotes by Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright
In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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